No more.

I want to die.

Your smell bled into the duvet. I smothered my face into it, breathing you in and almost tasting your presence. It seemed as though the scent lingered for hours though I'm sure it must have faded long ago. I can still feel it on my bedsheets and on my skin though. It's warm, bittersweet and it's all the air I wish I was able to breathe for the rest of my days on this planet. I feel scared knowing the only way that smell will ever return is in my memories, the rare ones that absolutely no one knows. The information that you never see the sense in revealing yet you hold them close to your chest like you're protecting a newborn from the world. I want to protect the memory of you and I couldn't bear to lose your smell. I told Stuart about you, and me, and us, and your smell, and our dance, and how you are everything and suddenly this entry becomes desperate and terrified to lose you I'm going to breathe you in for as long as the goddammned cotton will allow, for as long as it holds the moments we shared and I swear nothing will ever smell sweeter, no air will ever be as pure as the air I inhale from the space where your head used to lie and I will wonder just how the hell you stole my inhibitions. I'm soaring, I'm flying and you, my friend, are always with me. Your smell never leaves and the air will never be the same again. Who knew breathing could be so good...

I can't tell you how hard it is not to want to die right now.

I'm still listening to Something Corporate. Every so often it feels like not a lot has changed. It's hard to focus on one thing. My mind is EVERYWHERE.

If only I was courageous enough to speak the truth... I would tell you that I love you. I'm too scared to say it but in all honesty I love you. I always have and I think I always will. Part of me mocks myself for wanting to tell you this, because the word "love" is not nearly enough to describe what I feel for you. It disappoints me because it's so short, so meaningless when the ecstacy of your presence and your unfailing ability to steal my heart every time I see you speaks volumes more than just l-o-v-e.

You make me feel so invincible.

Where is Danial?

It's here, and now and you're all "I want you" and heavy breathing is normal and your voice starts to whisper in volumes I can't hear and unbeknownst to you I'm dying too. I know you'll tell me you love me afterwards, I'm sure you've just forgotten how you feel.

It's all sweat and secrets and promises and I cannot, for the life of me remember where I left my self control. I think I gave it to you years ago. I gave it to you the first time you held my hand, the first moment I looked at you and thought "this is what love must be."

But I can't do it anymore. Scrap that, I can do it. I could love you forever and ever after and all the soppy novels and films will tell you exactly how long that is. But I can't, I can't be yours because this is real and now and us and I can't live for the present, I can't. Don't make me live for now because I'm scared to shut my eyes, I'm scared to pretend the future will be ok, that I won't regret.

I would rather reject you now and regret it for the rest of my life. Desire will always disappoint us in the end, right? I can't do it, I can't be disappointed. I will not let us let me down but I know that if I give in then my heart wil break to such an extent that it will never mend, no matter how much I drink, no matter how long I wait, no matter how far in love I fall the cracks will still be there. You are already etched so hard in my mind, on my heart, in everything I say, think, feel, do - it's always you. It has always been about you and I cannot believe it has taken me this long to realise that I still... love you.

This is the most difficult choice. Why is it that when what we have always wanted is handed out to us on a plate, it becomes unnecessary, unimportant? We all know that desire will always disappoint us. Happiness is overrated when desire and despair consume us in our day-to-day lives.

My heart aches today when I thought of the pain I feel each day waiting for goals to be achieved, working for the dream. But it occured to me that the means are just as important as the gain at the end, right? Surely if a dream was worth following then the path would not be so painful? Happiness is a road you live on, happiness should emanate from everything you do and say and think and feel every day. Happiness is when you hold me and I know that even though you're my armageddon, I'm home.

I'm pushing away my happiness. You, my lover, my friend, are impossible.

Please carry on whispering your verbal valium to me. Tell me what you want, what you need, what you feel. Tell me you want me back, that you want me, need me, love me. Surely these things are all linked? Tell me there is nothing more you want than me for the rest of your life. Tell me you can't live without me the way I cannot live without you. Tell me that I'm not alone when I say that there is a place in my heart for you so big that it's like you're always with me? Tell me I'm not alone. Tell me you're with me. Tell me that you love me?

Let's undress in this silence and pretend that time has frozen, that there are no consequences. Let's embrace in the darkness and pretend that there is no future. Hold me and pretend that this will last forever, that when we close our eyes, morning will not find us before death.

"Let's run away together and dance until we cannot move. Let's make love under the moonlight as it washes us white and pure and clean of sin. You are my catharsis."

Your love for me scares me so much I just might break. Keep on denying it, please. I don't think I can handle you needing me as hard as I need you. I have spent years understanding that you are the one, that you are mine, that you are my heart but now that I have that opportunity I am going to have to hurt myself in telling you I don't love you when we both know that's not true, because I can't kill myself in this way. I can't do this to myself again. Don't do this to me again. Don't hurt me again, you broke me once, I know lightning always strikes twice, I know I'm the exception to every rule and I know that you are the greatest test of my self control.

I'm scared of what will happen if I tell you the truth, that I have been waiting for you for years. I'm scared that I've been waiting for the wrong kind of happiness. I'm terrified that you'll do it to me again and I'm horrified at the thought of needing to spill blood once more but we both know what will happen if you break me again.

All it takes is a song and I can swear I hear your steps but surely it isn't right when those footsteps start to make my heart race and my whole body aches and I don't know what to do because the only thing that feels right is exactly what should feel wrong and I'm scared to act on impulse, scared to let my heart rule, scared to let you rule me.

Take me with you. I want to be saved. And you are the only one who can, really. You put me here, now get me out.

I want to scream and I want to hide in my desire, in my hope and in my thoughts of you. The very possibility that you might need me to breathe too has been so surreal that all these years I have been safe in never uttering a word, in never saying how I feel. It's why I write all these words, I'm scared sometimes to reveal my ideas in person.

I cannot give my thoughts and feelings justice when writing this, and it frustrates me that I can't get it out properly. This is so difficult to get out in words that it sounds garbled, false unreal. It's difficult to say what I have been surpressing for years, and every word hurts when it comes out, every time I use the word "love" it sounds like it's not enough and I cannot for the life of me articulate the mismatch of feelings I have searing through my mind right now. I'm thirteen again and you're annoying and I'm fourteen and I'm starting to need you to make me feel more uncomfortable and I'm fifteen and it has to be love because that is the only explanation and I'm sixteen and no man could ever touch me after what you did. I'm an adult now and I'm on the brink of starting a new life and I'm nocturnal and I'm trying to be somebody and you, you're my greatest dream, you're my everything and I'm scared I'm going to have to hide from you for the rest of my life.

This entry is so incomplete.There isnt enough time left in this world for me to get all my thoughts about you out. So I'm going to test my self control and leave this now. I'm going to run away and I'm going to pretend that you don't miss me right now.

Please take me under with you. Please don't love me, I'm so scared you will stop.

My hands are so cold...

This is a phrase I have been thinking and saying this month. Not just when my blood-alcohol level is too much to handle.

And that's all there is to it.

I'll rant when I have time. Did you ever listen to Gwen Stefani - Cool and wonder if the whole song is a lie? I'm starting to feel like the entire song was sarcastic and she wasn't over him at all because if she was then why would she have been so sad during the video?