I want to draw lines until it actually hurts.

It's cool though, I've got it under control.

I wish the glass in front of me contained something stronger than water right now...

Don't ever be sad without me.

Promise me you'll never go anywhere because I swear if you stop breathing then so will I... and I don't ever want to die. Death isn't freedom, there's nothing waiting for you on that side. Everything is on this side and there's so much time to do everything in the world we can afford to waste the days and stay awake all night and hold on to those moments that make everything worthwhile.

Don't leave, I haven't finished with you yet. I never will.

I want to destory everything in my path, shatter all the windows, burn the doors and scream until my lungs give out that "I'm listening" because this silence has never been so clear, and I'm finally ready to open my heart and open my eyes for once. I'm here for you and someone help me because I love you so much I'm scared to blink in case you run away.

I wonder why he left the body outline. Logic tells me it was probably that he forgot to mess up the blades of grass back to normal, so that when the sun shines brightly over it I have to control my manic internal laughter at the wicked, blasphemous, terrible irony of how beautiful the green colour looks in the grass that's dented from the shape of you and your pain. Reason tells me it was because he knows that one day it will rain, and all the marks will fade - or at least the ones on the outside (I'm like my grandmother, a part of my heart breaks and of course it will heal - but there will always be a faultline, no matter what). But somehow I want to believe the real reason he left it was to remind each and every one of us that there are more important things to obsess over than me, myself and I. Sometimes we don't even realise our hearts are closed. Sometimes we love so hard we forget to see if they know that. Sometimes I keep my true feelings inside so far that no one understands how fierce my love is. He left it because he wanted anyone who walked past to see it and realise that life is the most non-renewable thing in the world. That we are weak, and that the only thing keeping us here is that we love each other enough not to run away at the scariest sight in the whole world, and instead run as fast as we can towards it, the air in our lungs turning black and the love emanating from our eyes making everything so clear you wonder how blind you were before, every cell in your body screams, "I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU", and the rise and fall of a chest holding the heart that stole yours so long ago keeps you alive too - nothing could be a greater relief in the moment that you cry thanking whatever you see and whomever you feel that your nightmares didn't come true. It's love when you run with open arms towards the one thing that will truly kill you but it doesn't matter because in the most human way, your instincts tell you that for once, keeping yourself alive isn't the most important thing, sustaining theirs is.

I dare you to stick around, if I take you to another planet will you stay? I'd do anything for you, even if it was impossible. Don't you see that?

Your joy is mine. Part of me is selfish enough to admit that I wish your pain wasn't mine too, but it is and I'm here and I'm hurting for you. Another part of me is glad I'm in pain too because if I could I would take all your fears away, I don't care how weak or strong I am, how much it hurts, I'll take it for you and you know I'll do it with my heart open and my head held high. Now promise me you'll never leave because I can't breathe at the thought of a world that you aren't sharing with me, I can't live without your happiness. So smile for me.

I am coming to save you.

No.

I'm so brave, apparently.

But why is it, that when I make the biggest efforts to destroy my every method of reaching you, for my own sanity, that you plant yourself in my mind so hard it seems abnormal not to think about you?

Study leave doesn't fucking help. Try waking up and forgetting you're alive.

The morning after I cleaned up our mess and said goodbye to you for the last time, it rained like the sky had been drained after centuries. I can't remember the last time it rained so hard. It was like a rebirth, like a massive cleansing, a symbol of the end of my torment and the start of a new life... but that's like so unoriginal.

This new thing with this new person is so different. First there's the lack of mutual obsession. I kind of wish I was completely obsessed up to my eyeballs really. I wish it was all that was on my mind. Maybe I just wish I had a selective memory. I wonder if everyone's first relationship is different to the ones the follow. It's sad really, I don't miss him but I miss that feeling where nothing else mattered. Responsibilities get in the way of all the unimportant stuff that seems just so important at the time.

I feel weak.

But you know what? I'm not fucking weak. And you're the one who is jealous, not me. So this is me, finally rejecting you. I'm finally strong.

Does time heal all wounds? I need to know because S. aside, I have "loved" / loved someone else since I was 14 and this isn't something that seems to want to change. The love is still there, it's just that I have changed and so has its nature. Probably the only time where the phrase "as a friend" would come in handy for me. Some people never stop making you feel on top of the world. It's perfect having a friend who knows you practically through and through, and feeling at complete ease around them. It's rare, and I'm lucky. It's strange really, being friends when a few years ago all I wanted was to so much more. But these days I feel so comfortable it's magnificent. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

But fuck it, I'm not gonna be like YOU, though you're that one I'll always need without realising. I'm never going to live my life for others, no matter how good they are to me.

I'm having difficulty ending this weird mess of an entry because my mood keeps on changing literally every couple of minutes, so I think of a new concept and it goes with my mood...

"I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers. I'll be alright when my hands get warm. Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you never heard my voice. You're calling too late, too late to be gracious, and you do not warrant long goodbyes."

"The phone call ended with "drop me a line" - we thought about it long and hard."

I'm sorry it had to end like this but it's fitting, somehow. This time last year you came into my life - it seems almost appropriate that I must push you out now. For the better part of that year I was confused, hurt, controlled even. But I cannot forget the happiness of falling fast in summer, the perfection of waking up happy. I can't forget hanging on to your every word and thinking there was nothing else I would rather hear. Moving forward is inevitable and wholly feasible, but it will be impossible for my memory to lose the days where I neglected the future and lived only for the present. I cannot forget feeling alive and happy and I cannot forget the ecstasy of your presence. For that... all I can say is thank you for giving me your heart, if only for a short time.

It will be hard to forget your face, your voice, your thoughts. But I can't live with you - I'm a green-eyed monster with too many responsibilities and too many opportunities to lose what I've been working for. And you're just the person who never cared long enough to miss me when I leave this pitiful mess of a friendship, this pathetic charade of a resolved relationship. Excuse my rudeness in carefully removing you from my life; it was not easy. And one day I will stop wishing I could forget, one day I'll finally understand that you were crystallised in my mind the moment I met you. One day I will love someone and I will finally forget how it feels to breathe you in. For now I'll just shake off every thought that creeps relentlessly into my head and throw myself into the same exam period where I fell for you.

So long, fuck off, be happy.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do with these train tickets.

"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: they are shooting stars - a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."

I don't know what happened but my sense of humour has died and it isn't a joke anymore, for when your words stop making me smile and your laughter makes my heart black and my mood blacker, I stop and for just a second I forget how warm your hand should feel in mine. Or how I always have a headache around you because I'm trying so hard to memorise each moment.

Sometimes when logic pervades my usual hysteria and gives me writer's block I start to consider the consequences of you reading some of the things I write here so publicly, so obviously about you. But since when did I ever hide how I felt? Maybe I'm scared you'll reply. Then. I breathe a sigh of relief when I consider us and remember that what I think, feel and have to say don't mean a lot to you. It hurts because when I said those three words, I said them carefully, because I meant it. Didn't you say once, that you knew I'd been thinking about you just from looking at these titles? I wonder if you know how long I spend coming up with them.

This is called taking things the wrong way. Or not being able to take a joke. Or missing the times when I could. Or maybe it's the way I realise that attention and attraction are not the same thing.

Truth be told I don't cry often.  And when I do it's always for the wrong reasons. Lately my eyes have been dry and alive because my dreams are coming true. But the dark circles are all yours. It is so sad that I can't find distractions when my head hits the pillow. It horrifies me when the heater is on and I still think I'm going to freeze to death because all the warmth in my heart leaves and deceives me. However, nothing torments me more than the calendar. I look at all the dates and wonder how a year came by so fast. I try not to think about what happened 365 days ago this month, this day, this minute... 

Who am I "kidding". I can't stop thinking about it. It's like a sickness.

I think I need a hug. I think I need a kiss. I think I need love. I think I need to crawl under my duvet and count numbers until I fall asleep. I think I need to go on the train to see you.

But I know what I really need.

Don’t I?

"I cannot be in matrimony with a dream of love."

"Haven't you heard?
I'm stuck on a verse
I'm stuck on a boy who feels me with joy
I knew I was wrong to
jump straight on into this picture so pretty
But he is so pretty to me

And he doesn't know just how far I would go
Just to kiss him
He doesn't know how I pine

So I make whirlpools
And watch him sparkle
And we'll make love make magic

And haven't you heard?
I've fallen head first
And he loves me so
We're two in a row
Just look in his eyes
They're blue as the skies
A picture so pretty
but he is so pretty to me

So I make whirlpools
And watch him sparkle
And we'll make love make magic

But I couldn't tell you
Just tell that it takes you
'Cause words don't make
what I make with him

Haven't you heard?
I'm stuck on a verse
I'm stuck on a boy who fills me with joy
I knew I was wrong
to jump straight on into this picture so pretty
but he is so pretty to me"

Kate Walsh - Your Song

I have never been happier.

I will never forget, 22-03-08.

I never thought I'd achieve my naked cartwheels down Finchfield Lane dream.

I'm going to be a doctor.

And I can't stop smiling!